Glitter On The Highway

Message received today

2012-01-21T15:48:00.000-08:00

You love giving oral. Would you feel discussed to give someone of my type oral?
Honest answer would be great.

I have never met this person, just to clarify.

Honesty

2011-10-14T18:55:00.001-07:00

A message I received merely moments ago:

To be honest, I didn't read your profile at all. I'm going to after I send this. I didn't want to change anything based on your profile. I just saw your photos and was instantly attracted. Sorry for being shallow, but looks are more important to me than I would like to admit.

Was he afraid I might have brains?

People are so weird!!

2011-08-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

This guy sent me a perfectly nice message via OKC. It's actually pretty rare to receive a well-thought-out message. I was about to reply and that's when I saw that he actually sent me two messages. This is the second one:

I'm sorry,
What I meant to say is that I'm just your average half mortal, half time traveling superhero with super powers of super sexy telepathy who leads a double life as a volunteer astronaut when not on tour with my band, and in my free time I'm mostly consumed with painting pictures with my mind and rescuing babies from burning buildings.

I know what you're thinking, and yes, sometimes there are no burning buildings with babies inside in my immediate vicinity, so it becomes necessary to set fire to hospitals.

We should grab a hike and a drink or seventeen, followed by several awkward passes until I finally give in to your attempts to seduce me.

I'm so into you'll I'll even overlook your obvious Hitler salute in that 2nd photo of yours, if you'll ignore my obvious Jewishness.

I WILL SEND YOU A POSTCARD. OR MULTIPLE POSTCARDS. YOU ARE GETTING VERY SLEEPY AND AROUSED BY THE MERE MENTION OF POSTCARDS.

POSTCARDS
POSTCARDS
POSTCARDS
POSTCARDS
POSTCARDS
OBEYOBEY
POSTCARDS
POSTCARDS
POSTCARDS
POSTCARDS
POSTCARDS
POSTCARDS
POSTCARDS
POSTCARDS
POSTCARDS
POSTCARDS

WTF?!

Ugly Shoes

2011-05-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

This morning I received an email with this super short video by Daily Candy, about what to do if your date shows up in ugly shoes. I was excited! I mean, what do you do? I've always wondered about this. Then I watched it, and I was super disappointed by their over-simplification. Since I'm The Expert on all things relating to men, I am going to break it down for you. Basically, there are four types of ~~men~~ shoes:

1. Hiking boots or tennis shoes.

This person's number one self-describing adjective is most likely "outdoorsy". If that's not your number one self-describing adjective, let him go. He's not for you. Those types of people need to stick together. Think about it - if they wear hiking shoes on their first date, they are trying to impress you. Hiking boots are for ... [wait for it] ... hiking! Not wooing fine ladies. Duh. You can't even try to explain it to them either, they'll never understand.

2. Trendy tennis shoes/converse/etc...

These types are acceptable for certain dates. If it's a casual happy hour, walk at the park, day at the carnival or what have you, these are perfect. They say "hey, I like to be comfortable but I also pay attention to design". I can live with that. However, if you're planning a nice dinner and drinks on the town, I think it's time to take it up a notch, which leads me to...

3. Dress shoes

Made of leather. My favorite shoes. If you're trying to impress a girl, these types of shoes clearly demonstrate a certain amount of thought and effort. I mean, it takes no more energy to put on leather shoes than it does canvas shoes, but it speaks volumes, IMHO (in my humble opinion). We live in an age of anything goes and comfort is paramount. So, the fact that your date wears dead cow on his feet is a feat all by itself. I, personally, tend to gravitate towards leather-dress-shoe-wearing men. A geeky yet well-dressed European? Sign me up! As a designer, I appreciate the details. BUT THAT'S JUST ME.

4. Over-the-top exotic leather shoes with angular toe designs

Ladies, if your date shoes up in some of these, they aren't playing on your team. This is your big opportunity to give him the good news that will change his life.

In conclusion, forget the video and listen to me. Shoes are more than made for walking.

Douche Bag

2011-01-11T21:44:00.000-08:00

Remember this guy? The one that disappeared out to sea when I told him I couldn't have sex with him. Nine months later he sends me a message (the funniest parts are in red):

Hi...

Happy New year!

I accepted a job in Santa Cruz and moved back to California in May. I've been meaning to write you for a while to thank you for the really fun dates and the chance to get to know you. You're an amazing person and I hate how things ended. I've gone from serial monogamist to pretty experienced dater in the past yearand can honestly say that I looked forward to hearing from you after we met more than anyone since.

If you are at all interested in keeping in touch please say hello on here or write me at johnatsea@gmal.com. I hope you are well and continuing to dominate at yoga.

Cheers,
Douche Bag

I'm not going to write back but if I did I'd mention that he still has my favorite movie and that his dick is tiny. (Not lying about either.)

I like your hair. It looks totally real.

2010-11-29T22:36:00.000-08:00

{Lists full address including apartment # and real email}

Hello Miss XXX,
My name is Asaph.
I saw your name on Ok Cupid and decided to introduce myself.I live in Montana.I am from California.I have one brother,and one sister.
I lived in asia when I was a boy,so I understand asain culture.I went to school in Taiwan.
I am a Pianist.I play the music of Beethoven,Chopin,popular music,music of the 40 s,50 s,ballards,and love songs.
I enjoy walking,sightseeing,movies,cooking,and quiet evenings.
I am single,and I do not have any children.
Missoula is a city of 60,000 people,and small city with scenery.

I would like to get to know you.

Asaph

The Crazy Awards

2010-08-24T14:55:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, dated this guy called... "Crazy" for about a month earlier this Summer. Crazy didn't appear to be crazy at first, in fact, I was pretty pro-Crazy in the beginning. And the thing is I am usually right about these kind of things. My asshole/crazy radar rarely fails me when it comes to other people. This, of course, does not apply to my own suitors. This time however, I admit to being off.

WAY off.

I can't even describe the whole ordeal as I don't know all the details between the two. But I do know that he was super posessive, jealous, and immature. Constantly accusing her of being into other men, constantly making self-deprecating comments such as "I know you can find way better men than me blah blah blah", which as the rest of the world surely knows is the most annoying thing ever. You know that movie with Kate Hudson where she does everything you can possibly do wrong in a relationship... yeah. Crazy is the male version of that.

I met Crazy and Mr. Big (another story for another day) for drinks one evening and then at a party a few days after that, just a few weeks after he and Friend started dating. (Friend and Crazy met via Cupid.) We all hit it off pretty well and became Facebook friends shortly thereafter. As soon as their relationship started going downhill yet another few weeks after the party (why? see paragraph above) he sent me an unnecessary message saying they broke up and therefore we couldn't be Facebook friends. Alrighty, do what you have to do. Crazy even went so far as to have his brother call Friend to vouch for him and to let her know how many hot girls give him their number. Seriously.*

Eventually Crazy finds me on Cupid, says he wants to meet me for a drink... as friends. He clarified that he was not trying to hit on me. I sort of believed it. I could see us being friends under different circumstances, i.e., he wasn't crazy and hadn't already pissed off Friend and treated her like crap. I know that relationships are tricky and we all do stupid things from time to time and that it doesn't necessarily mean it will transfer over into other relationships/friendships [though it can]. I didn't totally turn him down but I did tell him that things need to simmer down between them first, give it some time and then perhaps we can talk about being friends in the future. I had no desire to get in the middle of their relationship on any level. He thought that was swell.

Not too long after that, I receive another message wanting to know if I wanted to go ahead and grab that drink. I didn't even have a chance to respond to his message before he changed his mind. (Not the first time we'd witnessed this quick turn-around - he did this repeatedly with Friend as he has the patience of a gnat.) Awesome, got out of that one pretty easy.

This story has a point, I swear...

Another two weeks after that (the whole story can be divided into two-week increments, apparently) I receive yet another message via Cupid, this time he is actually asking me out. This is one of my most favorite messages I've received thus far:

Hi,

I know, I know. It's me contacting you again. But this time it is to ask you out for a drink. I had been focusing on FRIEND and how to avoid that situation but that's dead.

I would like to have a drink with you and chat. You are a nice girl and very attractive. I doubt your attracted to me or know too much dirt to be interested, but I would like to give it a shot.

Yes, even if you were interested, it would be complicated. But I am tired of trying to dodge complication. It would be good if we could keep any conversation private regardless.

Anyway, let me know either way. I hope you are well.

Take care,

CRAZY

Damn he sure knows how to make a girl feel special...

CRAZY-

I was hoping that by waiting a few days you would rescind your generous offer for a complicated relationship, thereby sparing me from having to write this ridiculous message.

FRIEND and I talk you know. Like for example we were together the time you told her to fuck off because she wouldn't meet up with you. That's just one example, of course. Your self-deprecating comments are unattractive at best, and your insecurities are what make women run in the opposite direction. The fact that you desire to embrace a complicated relationship speaks volumes about your maturity level. I was dumbfounded by your behavior before and am appalled that you would even think to ask me out now.

Seriously, CRAZY, grow up. And please don't contact me again.

He did contact me again, to say he's sorry for offending me and that if I only knew what really happened, the things Friend has chosen to hide from me, I would be very hurt. He is, of course, referring to Friend's 'underlying passion' for Mr. Big - someone who I was interested in for about 3 hours at the aforementioned party. Whether Friend was into him, is into him, or merely thought he looked like Mr. Big, doesn't matter to me. (That's another good story, stayed tuned!)

Ladies and gentlemen, Crazy is forty fuckin' five years old.

*Friend tells me later that Crazy's overweight older brother who tends to mingle among swinger crowds, thought I was a "pretty lady" and wanted her to let me know that he was interested. I never actually dated in high school, and have no desire to date in high school now.

Adventure Dating

2010-08-15T21:45:00.001-07:00

I recently received a virtual coupon for a company that sells ideas for dates. You can't actually view the dates until you purchase them for $20 each.

Rip off.

So, I decided to create some ideas for dates and you are welcome to use them free of charge. Enjoy!

1. Mystery & Intrigue: Museum of Mystery + The Bleu Bistro, both on Capital Hill. The Bleu Bistro is one of the oddest restaurants I've ever been to. All tables are tucked into little alcoves, most with curtains, not unlike seat on a first class international flight. Food is rich & delicious (think comfort food, vegetarian options available). Optional, take a romantic stroll through Cal Anderson Park in the dark.

2. Sunday Bloody Sunday: Stroll through the Sunday Fremont Market then hop aboard the Ice Cream Cruise for a relaxing lap around Lake Union. Optional: grab a drink at the Red Door afterwards, an ideal venue for people-watching.

3. Caffeine Supreme: Tour Theo Chocolate Factory in Fremont (lots of tasting involved), grab some coffee at Cafe Ladro two blocks away, then take a gander along the canal.

4. Late Night Delight: Watch a truly bizarre show at On The Boards in lower Queen Anne. Next, head to the Melting Pot for happy hour dessert and drinks in the lounge (it's super cheap). Last, take a walk up to Kerry Park about half-way up the hill for magnificent views of Queen Anne mansions and downtown.

5. Acrobatic Fantastic: Go to the Can Can for dinner and modern-day burlesque show, then check out the gum wall before grabbing drinks (and dancing?) at the Alibi Room.

6. Sex on the Beach: Wine tasting or class at Seattle Wine Outlet on Elliott (Interbay). Buy a bottle to go and head to Golden Gardens for a nightcap on the beach. Optional: drunken make-out session.

7. Circus Maximus: Take a trapeze class at Emerald City Flyers; Macrina Bakery in Sodo for a post-workout breakfast/lunch/afternoon snack.

8. Ferry Dusk: Take the ferry from downtown to Bainbridge Island (in Summer I suggest walking). Have dinner at Cafe Nola, a cute cafe & wine bar with patio seating. If you time it right you can watch the sunrise. Optional: grab some ice cream on the pier in Seattle after disembarking.

9. A Swingin' Good Time: Polish your putting skills at the Greenlake Golf Course (a 9-hole pseudo-course; helmets advised). Nosh on something delicious at Elemental or Elemental Next Door near Gasworks. Optional: take a walk through Gasworks Park.

10. School of Rock: Take a stroll through EMP (it's free on Thursday afternoon/evening. Then have dinner at the new Hard Rock Cafe. Optional: find a karaoke bar to impress date with vocal talent, such as Ozzie's or the Bus Stop.

New Message

2010-07-31T09:52:00.000-07:00

hello !

hi how are u ?
myself Ramesh from India a common person of this wonderful world ! i am seeking a life partner here(marry). so please don't be angry at me with this message by me here this is my introducing message to u and if u interested in me to start a honest relationship then reply me please.

have a nice weekend
!

New message

2010-07-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

Hi:

I am 6"1 ft tall athletic, sporty dude from the eastside. I am educated, cultured and clean, I am a semi professional tennis player as well, work as a Sr. Software Engg fro MS, redmond, WA, will you interested to be friends? I know how to treat a woman with mutual respect and care. Please let me know

You are very pretty and i am Indian, so I am guessing you would not respond to my email

Best
-XXXXX

A recent email...

2010-06-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

... from the "interns" at Cupid:

(click to view larger)

Just sayin'.

Frustrated

2010-05-31T13:31:00.000-07:00

Please allow me to vent for a second.

So I have this relatively new friend, let's call him... Mr. Saliva. I met him organically, not online. Mr. Saliva and I have been hanging out as friends for about six months now. He's a cool guy, albeit very different from most. He gets real deep real fast. Our relationship was completely platonic up until a couple months ago. I rejected his advances for a variety of reasons:

1. I'm not particularly physically attracted to him.

2. He's polyamorous and I am not. No judgement about his lifestyle, it's just not for me. I am too sensitive for it and I refuse to put myself into that position.

3. He doesn't want a traditional relationship or kids ever. I do. So why would I get involved with someone who will never give me what I want? It would just hold me back from getting what I really want. Bad idea, in my opinion.

4. I'd rather have him as my friend. When you go there with someone, the whole dynamic changes. I don't want to ruin that. I've expressed this concern with him many times.

Furthermore, he's in a place of transition and doesn't really know what he wants (he's 39). He has an interesting/controversial profession that I don't necessarily believe in. It's like hanging out with someone religious when you are not, and them talking about Jesus in every day conversation.

At the risk of sounding like a stuck-up bitch, he's not good enough.

I did end up caving and so far we've made out like twice. I don't like the way he kisses - all that open mouth stuff. And I mean WIDE OPEN all the time. I don't like to kiss with my mouth WIDE OPEN the. entire. time. Drives me crazy, really. Plus, I felt like he was just depositing saliva into my mouth. He doesn't even taste very good. We all know how important kissing is.

A few times I've let him touch me [everywhere except there] because, well, it feels really damn good. He managed to find my top erogenous zones within like 30 seconds, at which point I am completely powerless to stop him because I am a sexually deprived tactile slut. (I still can't have sex. Mr. Saliva knows this, too.) I probably shouldn't let him go that far when I don't want to do things with him. I am guilty for this, I admit it. I only end up pushing him off me if only so I can dry out a minute. There's a reason I'm not a dog person - saliva. Don't get me wrong I love being kissed all over, but this oral fixation is a bit ridiculous.

Basically what this boils down to is that now he's frustrated and a little upset about the fact that I don't want to fuck him. He judges me because I am not into a polyamorous lifestyle. As most of you know, I'm pretty open about sex. But Mr. Saliva is wickedly open about sex, like in your face about it. I don't really feel the need to talk about what'll get me off or what type of vibrator I own as we are not in that type of relationship. He brings up vibrators EVERY time we hang out. And because I don't think it's important to discuss this every time we hang out, he thinks I'm sexually repressed or something. I AM SO SICK OF GUYS WHO THINK I'M SEXUALLY REPRESSED BECAUSE I WON'T FUCK THEM. AND I AM SO SICK OF GUYS WHO THINK THEY ARE THE BAROMETER OF GOOD SEX. Like we haven't even experienced life until we've experienced them. GAWD, men are arrogant. I am hardly a prude - I've kissed girls and had threesomes... I was a total hoe for an entire year. Am I really passing up amazing opportunities for sexual experimentation?

I like Mr. Saliva, I do. He makes me feel like a million bucks. I'm sure you know what it's like to hang out with someone who adores you - feels fuckin' wonderful. Aside from that though we have interesting conversation. We learn stuff from one another. He's got some issues, and I enjoy being there for him. It's not like I'm all take and no give. I give plenty. Just not sex. But why does it come down to this with practically every guy I've ever met? I wonder if there's any chance we can have a normal friendship again. He claims he's different, but I have my doubts. Not trying to be negative, just speaking from experience.

A true story

2010-04-05T15:42:00.000-07:00

So I met this guy on cupid, let's call him Douche Bag or DB for short.

Sunday, March 21st: We met for happy hour. Made out on the sidewalk. It was kinda hot.

Friday, March 26th: He made me an amazing meal at his place. We attempted to watch a movie and ended up making out for 7 hours. Not a typo. 7 hours. I left at 3 am.

Sunday, March 28th: We had breakfast downtown and then went for a walk along the waterfront. Made out on the waterfront before we made out in my apartment for several hours.

Monday, March 29th: DB came over after work and before I had to leave for yoga and then dinner with a friend. Didn't make it to yoga. Barely made it to dinner.

Tuesday, March 30th: DB came over and brought me flowers and dessert. We talked and made out and listened to music and had a super amazing time. We were *so* in the moment if you know what I mean. He left shortly after midnight.

Wednesday, March 31st: DB and I meet up for a quick happy hour after work. Then we go make out and laugh in the sunshine at Greenlake. He tells me lots of really nice things. I left DB to meet another friend for dinner and then stopped by DB's place again after because I had to tell him something. Meanwhile he is sending me texts to hurry up and come over. He greets me with a huge excited hug and kiss. And then I say this:

"I am not having sex with you for a while."

Thursday, April 1st: I text him in the morning and the evening. No word from him.

Friday, April 2nd: I receive an email via Cupid around 4 pm. Something along the lines of: Sorry I haven't returned your calls. I always take relationships too fast and it's something I am trying to avoid. I still find you attractive. I am just pausing. I still want to go wine tasting with you tomorrow...

My response went something like this: I don't know what your deal is but I know who I am, what I want, and what I'm worth. I like you. I think you're interesting and sexy and fun to be around. If none of this is sexy to you, we should go our separate ways. If this sounds good, I would like to go wine tasting tomorrow with you. Call me tonight and we'll figure it out.

Saturday, April 3rd, 2:30 pm: Another email via Cupid: I *just* received your message and am so sorry about messing up the wine tasting thing. I am leaving on a three-week trip at sea for work starting tomorrow. Want to go for a walk this afternoon?

My response via text at 3:30 pm: Sure, let's go for a walk.

DBs response via Cupid at 4:30 pm: Sorry, I am now going to watch basketball. I leave tomorrow at 3pm so let's get togother for lunch.

My response via text at 9:00 pm: Honestly, now I'm just plain hurt. Your behavior is really confusing.

His response: [silence]

The end.

Lesson learned: withholding sex is a powerful weapon against douche bags.

Updates

2010-03-22T16:08:00.001-07:00

So... I've met a few boys between now and then.

First guy. First guy was 5'6. That was his real only problem. Or rather, that was my only real problem with him. He wanted to spend time with me every single day when he knew full well that I do not have time, nor do I want to spend time with him, every day. There's something about being too available that it's a real turn-off. He was bored, I think that's the conclusion that I came to. I did however score A LOT of new music so it wasn't a complete loss.

The second guy. After explicitly asking him via Google chat if he had a lisp and to which his response was "no", it turned out he had a slight lisp. Second guy and I chatted and emailed quite a bit before meeting and that was a mistake. I knew it was a mistake while I was doing it, too, and I knew the odds of it biting me in the ass in the end.

***Please note: communicating a lot before meeting in person is ALWAYS a mistake.***

Because you don't know anything until you meet them in person. I promise.

Third guy... well I don't have time to write about third guy right now so you'll just have to wait. :)

A regular Walt Whitman

2010-02-21T12:46:00.000-08:00

Received this beautiful message morning on Cupid. If I'm not mistaken, he's talking about the great outdoors? I've never really understood poetry.

Could you wield a splitting maul without breaking your own leg?
I need a bit of your energy, the wood pile needs your attention, nothing like the crack of seasoned fir when hit. Or the crackle when burned.
The sun is on the grounds, the cats hunt young squirrle and voles.
The river runs cold but clear, hard to believe but big fish come all the way from the ocean clear up here. Just to occupy a shelf in the freezer. For a bit. Steelhead for breakfast.
Was fun, I am easily entertained.
B

The end of an era

2010-02-07T19:08:00.000-08:00

I threw in the towel today on the cleanse. One day short of my original goal. BUT, I give myself a lot of credit for going 6 straight days without cheating once. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. One of the most miserable weeks of my life! The Master Cleanse is NOT a good idea.

By contrast, having pho today was a great idea. The plan was to consume only liquids (juice, soup, etc...) before jumping in to solid food again tomorrow. I had a bowl (broth only) there and got a bowl to go. It was beautiful. Then I'm pretty sure all my pho came out of me over the course of the next hour. I think my digestive track is so clean and clear that it went straight through me. No kidding. My stomach was making the strangest, loudest noises (I mean loud)... now I know why. I got my cream puff to go thinking I would eat it tomorrow but that disappeared shortly after I got home. Right now I find myself eating peanut butter out of the jar.

I do feel pretty good all-in-all. I stepped on the scale this morning and I lost 6 or 7 pounds. At the rate I'm going, it'll be back by the end of the week. Sweet!

Cranky!

2010-02-04T22:10:00.001-08:00

I'm miserable. This cleanse sucks. Don't do it. All I can think about is a bacon cheeseburger. It really makes me realize what a joy chewing is. I feel like I have never really appreciated how delicious most of the things are that go into my belly: cheese, pizza, baked potato with butter and sour cream, hard-boiled eggs, thai food, morning coffee and a pastry. Dessert doesn't really appeal to me, I want something hearty. I want Dick's! FUCK.

I'd give up but my pride gets in the way. I have to hang on through Sunday.

Let us pray...

Cleansing Dos and Don'ts

2010-02-02T21:43:00.001-08:00

Dos:

Do drink maple syrup at the end of the day. I added up my caloric intake for the day and I think I was at about 700. I don't want to die! Not now and certainly not like this. I want to die with some Phad Thai in my system.

Do bring your toothbrush with you. All that sugar coats your teeth, makes you feel like you're wearing one of Grandma Jean's ugly Christmas sweaters for braces.

Do keep your eye on the prize. 7 days till pho. I'm planning my celebratory meals next week. It's all I can do to stay focused.

Don'ts:

Don't fart. It's not what you think it is.

Don't do your biznass with other people in the bathroom. Pooping is a solo endeavor. It always has been, but now it's more important than ever.

Don't go grocery shopping. Baaaaaad news. I had to pick up something other than groceries last night and it was like being in a room full of hot gay men. Suddenly Dorito's looked like the most beautiful snack in the world. Buy everything you need before you start.

Announcement!

2010-02-01T16:32:00.000-08:00

This blog is now about dating and dieting. I guess dieting would be the "danger" part of the equation. The debauchery part... still not sure.

So, I've decided to do a cleanse. I've never done one before so I can't imagine what's hiding in my intestinal track other than a parasite left over from one of my Mexico adventures. I've also got this lingering "virus" that I'm not talking about because this blog isn't about viruses, clearly. Now I realize that a virus isn't going to come out my ass but the after effects will hopefully better prepare my system for combat.

The Master Cleanse goes like this: drink a shit-load (pun not intended) of fresh lemonade spiked with grade B maple syrup and cayenne pepper all day every day for 7 days. My first sip this morning made me think that if I just added some gin, I'd have myself a delightful little diet martini! It's not so bad really. It's also not so great either. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to drink only lemonade for 7 days but stranger things have happened, i.e., just scroll down. So far I haven't gotten really hungry because there's enough sugar to keep you going. However, at one point one of my coworkers started baking lasagna in the microwave and that really pissed me off.

You take a handful of laxatives before you go to bed at night so that you can poop first thing in the morning. I didn't take enough last night so I took a few more this morning. I finally dropped the kids off at the pool around 1 pm. It wasn't altogether totally pleasant. TMI? TFB! (too fuckin' bad)

Wish me luck.

Please mind the punctuation, punk

2010-01-30T00:21:00.000-08:00

jimyjobob1133

Title:

hew is this new joe and how the heck do you fit him in

Body:

a cup ;) lol and i would like to join you on a really long errand. I you am interested in making life more interesting together. and i would also love to try yoga but hot chicks are so over rated lol and i read your profile and was laughing the whole time or smileing lol you seam well grounded and real witch is nice im looking for new friends hew wont flake at the first guy named joe stuffed in a cup :P ive ben in this box for almost 3 years witch was my own fault but i just burnd that bit** down and im feeling free agin and so we are clear im a sucky speller but you dont seam like the type to take that in to acount when seeing through the bull ive ben dun with bull and drama for 3 yes count them 3 years yea for me lol ok well i hope to here from you soon and so you know im a giant goof most of the time but can be a man when needed well ill leave it to you ttfn

Second email title:

lol

Body:

would you like to spend 2 yes count them 2 b-days with me 2mrow my mom and gramie i will ask 1 time if you really want to find friends this is your first tet :P

billy joel

Date with the filmmaker

2010-01-24T02:12:00.000-08:00

I thought I could be attracted to him but I can't. I wanted to even. Sadly, I am not. I officially knew this romance would never come to fruition as soon as he pointed out that people have compared him to many a strange animal. I don't know which animals specifically, but I can totally see it. It was like everything I didn't want to admit just slapped me in the face 20 minutes into the date. It got worse as the evening progressed because I couldn't stop thinking about his weird-looking features. There is something disturbing about his forehead. My gin goggles did nothing for me, and that's when you know it's bad. Gin rarely fails me. Damnit, gin.

I could tell he was trying to place himself in a position to maybe put his arm around me or just be close or whatever. And then it happened. I was getting out of the car, I even got one foot on the ground, and he grabbed my arm to pull me back and kissed me. And inside I was like "ew!!!" but I'm really not good at getting out of a kissing situation, even if it is the premier situation for which I should use the most judgement. Anyways... I managed to survive the rest of the evening with little-to-no physical contact. Except when he dropped me off. He kissed me again. Not good, guys. He asked me if I wanted to go out again and I was like "yeah! totally". Pshaw. I only said it because I felt it was the polite thing to say. And if I had to do it all over again I would have said the exact same thing again because that's how I roll.

I realize that I probably sound extremely shallow but you know, if I'm having such a strong negative reaction to someone, well then it was never meant to be. He was a delightful fellow, lots of charm and wit, but you can't deny the power of physical chemistry. You can't fake it either - that's like living a lie. I am "guilty" of first looking at guy's pictures before reading their profile online because 9 times out of 10 you know from a picture if you're going to be attracted to them or not. You can pretend all you want that looks don't matter - BUT THEY DO.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Where's Tripod when you need him? Bah.

Mr. Perfect

2010-01-20T21:29:00.000-08:00

From "Jeremy" on Chemistry:

"I honestly believe I am the guy everyone is looking for, but very few get close enough to recognize that fact."

There's a reason they don't get close, sweethawt.

Pop Quiz: Gay or Straight?

2010-01-17T19:47:00.000-08:00

Yep, real picture posted on real Cupid page. The beauty of this picture, aside from the obvious, is that it could also work as a gay personal ad for casual sex, no?

This guy thinks I'm so funny he gave me an official OkCupid award - my first ever! I'd like to thank the Academy.

Date #?

2010-01-17T11:09:00.000-08:00

The flavor of this week is a classy lad who works in something tech-y and makes films on the side. I briefly mentioned him in my previous entry. He doesn't look like a leprechaun after all though there is something Irish-y about him. I've seen snippets of his films and he's good... and interesting and smart. He also coaches a youth cross-country team, which I think is totally cute and sexy at the same time. He asked me so many questions I might go so far as to say he's interested in me. [cue: mysterious creepy noise]

We went to the Hideout on First Hill where the drinks are not great but the art on the walls is really something. Going into this date I had no idea I was getting the rare but fortunate experience to see a huge oil painting of anal sex. Excellent first-date material. Neither of us had been there before so neither of us were at fault. Not that the art bothered us in the least. God bless the liberals. You know, I have a knack for picking out inappropriate places and movies for first dates. And I'm single... WEIRD.

He was a total gentleman. Paid and everything.

Tripod left for a three-week triathlete camp thing. We have nothing going for us other than a lot physical chemistry. Like it's always a little awkward when we first get together because we never know what to say. I don't encourage him to talk about swimming/biking/running any more because I'm over it and since he rarely asks about me and I never feel like volunteering information because he never seems interested blah blah blah... I think you see where I'm going. But as soon as we start making out it's all good and steamy. I wonder if I'll ever see him again. He's been gone for five days and I haven't heard from him. I'm not exactly torn up about it. Out of sight, out of mind.

I wanna go out with the movie-maker again.

Bowling, pheromones, and creepy green characters

2010-01-09T18:15:00.000-08:00

I went out again with crazy triathlete man again the other night. This time I begrudgingly headed over to the Eastside for Sichuan and cosmic bowling. We were pretty buzzed and being really flirty and it was way fun. Then we went back to his house to check out his bike collection which led to another intense make-out session. We made out so much my whole face was chapped the next day.

My guess is he isn't totally attractive by many people's standards plus he's kind of self-absorbed but there's something about him that totally turns me on. I remember about 20 minutes into our first date we were ordering drinks at the bar and he was standing really close to me and it hit me - this is what chemistry feels like. Magnetic and electric. He was jabbering on about something, probably talking about himself and all of a sudden I just felt like sticking my tongue down his throat. He has nice hands and vein-y arms. Yum.

There are still a couple more guys in the pipeline from Cupid. One of which I'm kinda excited to meet. Maybe one day this week. He is clever and creative - he makes movies for a living. I think he might look like a leprechan but then I was recently told I look like an elf so maybe it'll be a match made in ~~heaven~~ Ireland.

What's the motto with you?

2010-01-09T17:55:00.000-08:00

So on Chemistry.com the second step in getting to know a potential suitor is to answer 6 carefully selected short-answer questions. One of the questions I asked was "The motto I try to live by..." and he answered:

Live life like your grandparents are watching everything you do.

Quite frankly I don't want really care what my grandparents think about my spending habits, or my sad diet of too much Thai take-out, or sleeping in till noon and never making my bed. And I especially don't want to be thinking about gramps when I'm getting it on with some guy. But that's just me.

Date #4

2010-01-04T17:33:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend I went out with a professional triathlete. He brought me flowers. I once received a feather [sigh] on a first date but never flowers. He has more energy than the pink drumming bunny, which is kind of fun and refreshing, quite honestly. This is the same guy who may or may not have dressed up in a red unitard for the outdoor viewing of the Big Lebowski over the summer, of which my friends and I were in attendance. He ran around the park for 30 minutes before the show attempting to "cut off their collective johnsons" with a jumbo pair of cardboard scissors. Do I find that sexy? Hell yes. He has a picture of himself on his profile wearing a t-shirt with a bike on it that reads "put the fun between your legs". I love inappropriate humor.

After dinner, a movie out, a movie in, we made out for an extended period of time and it was really fun.

Cons: he wore tennis shoes, but then he is also sponsored by his tennis shoes so I cut him some slack. (It's my own thing, let me be.) Plus he was really excited about them. And also, he's crazy, as most professional athletes are. Which makes me wonder why I'm attracted to the crazy obsessive-compulsive types?

Pros: he's crazy, has energy to spare, and is cute with a pretty rockin' body.

He just might be Mr. Right Now, which is not to be confused with Mr. Right. If we look at the situation realistically, we both pretty much have two full-time jobs each. (He's aiming for the 2012 Olympics.) When are we ever going to find time to spend together?

Crazy fool

2009-12-28T17:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I received an email from this guy and I can't remember exactly what it said because I deleted it. Something along the lines of I'm his newest favorite person in the whole wide world and I should call him because he's in town. He gives me his number. I hate it when guys tell me I should do something, that is a clear recipe for me to not do anything.

Anyways, I didn't respond and today I get another email. He's a truck driver and although his face is actually rather attractive, his hair is long and he reminds me of Jesus. (Long hair on men is a total turn-off for me.) I put my favorite parts in red:

I am having a hard time with life and no matter how much money or how little money I make, no matter what I may achieve or not achieve, I am very sad and disappointed that I can not find a beautiful lady like yourself to love very much and, hopefully, be loved back, even just a little. Even though I can be quite dominant and am required to be in many of the every day situations with life, work and business, for many years one of my most intense fantasies have been to find a very beautiful lady like yourself, drop to my knees at her feet, beg her to allow me to love her and serve her as her lover, or even servant. And believe me, I am not saying these words lightly, or just because they sound good. I NEED TO BELONG TO SOMEONE. I NEED TO BE OWNED BY SOMEONE. I NEED TO FEEL ALIVE and ENJOY LOVE, SEXUAL LOVE with someone special, someone beautiful, someone up there among the 1%- 5% of the most beautiful and most interesting women. And you ARE what I look for. I am very serious about this and very serious in my desire of loving you, serving you and being with you. Will you have me as your slave and lover ? Will you allow me to live with you, touch you, kiss you and sleep next to you ? Wanna get married and travel the world with me, so we can experience loving one another and having sex all over the world ? Will you be my partner and allow yourself to be the ultimate love of my life?

He doesn't need a lover, he needs a good therapist.

Another jewel

2009-12-23T17:27:00.001-08:00

This is an entire self-summary I just found on Cupid by a 32-yr-old man:

I'm a white male i'm 6-0 190 lbs brown hair blue eyes athletic build. I spend alot of time in Burien and Issaquah. I'm just out looking to enjoy life and have some fun.

It would be one thing if he said something like, "I spend a lot of time in Dubai and Paris". But he didn't. He said Burien and Issaquah. It kills me. What does he think this says about himself?

Today, on Cupid

2009-12-17T21:38:00.000-08:00

Someone sent me a really nice, well-thought-out message. And then, and I am not making this up, he ended it like this:

"Kisses, I'll bee in the garden!"

Date #3

2009-12-17T21:31:00.000-08:00

Overall, not amazing.

The Can Can was super fun and entertaining, I totally recommend it. We paid a $5 cover and got a table right next to the stage.

Cons: He's a huge dork. HUGE. He is just too dorky for me. I ended up paying for half the drinks. It is my belief that boys pay for the ladies, especially when the ladies are out of the their league. That sounds really snobby, but it's true. He's not very gentlemanly, period.

Pros: He was funny.

0 for 3.

Man, this is looking bleak!

Date tomorrow

2009-12-15T21:37:00.000-08:00

Date #3 tomorrow with someone I met on Cupid. He is 3 years younger than me. I once dated someone younger than me. Once. People that know me know how I feel about this. I feel like I'm robbin' the cradle. Yeah right. If we look at how well dating older men has worked out for me... maybe younger men are the new olden men? At least he's taller. And hopefully his legs are bigger than mine.

The facts: he's ruggedly handsome, artistic, and as sarcastic as all get-out. I think we'll get along just fine. We're going to a burlesque show. I'm excited. I hope he smells good. I hope we make out.

Best wedding invite EVER

2009-12-12T19:02:00.001-08:00

(Click to read)

Date #2

2009-12-07T18:17:00.000-08:00

I met the second lucky candidate on Chemistry. Like I mentioned before, that site is so boring and difficult to use, I just had to muster up all my courage and just go for it. I knew almost nothing about him prior to our date. That was a mistake.

I met #2 at Portalis, which is a great date spot, by the way. Very cozy and quaint and quirky with mismatched tables and chairs. Great wine, small plates, lots of cheese. He was a very sweet guy, but he is not for me. He reminded me of Mr. Rogers AND he ate almost all of our shared dessert. At least he paid.

He emailed me and said he'd like to see me again but I can't do it. I hate telling people no.

0 for 2.

Date #1

2009-12-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

I met this guy on Cupid a few weeks ago. He was so funny and creative. Obviously very smart. We had some super fun chats online. I mean, some really funny chats. A couple nights I didn't even do my homework because I was having so much fun.

We met at Purple downtown so I could force him to drink wine because I don't understand people that don't drink. I was excited but trying not to be excited because people are never the same in cyberspace as they are in the real world. We had a great time (or so I thought) even if it wasn't totally magically awesome. He was kinda geeky. Like his pants were a little too short kind of geeky. (You can always fix hair and wardrobe later.) I told him I'd like to see him again, he said "Absolutely!" and I never heard from him again.

0 for 1.

Back by popular demand

2009-12-06T11:46:00.000-08:00

About three months ago I broke up with my boyfriend. A dramatic three-month-long debacle. Cuz that's how long it takes to figure out that the man you love does not love you back. I'm not sure I'm quite ready to dive into the scene again but I could use the distraction. Or, I could just use the men. Just kidding. Sort of. I want to have fun without the drama. That's probably not even possible. Anywho, so we begin yet again.

Motherfucker.